Emily and Gene's blog about stuff

The Lumberjacks fought valiantly against the communist robots and aliens, but were out numbered… They had built a fortress to houce there base of operations and all the other people, but were in danger of being overrun (I’m not sure how they made the fort, it was all of fine smelling spruce logs, imagine the pentagon as a log cabin… But the weird thing was there had been no trees on the baren communist land to begin with… They were magical funky lumberjacks… Hmm)

Bob, in the middle of the fray, overheard to negligent aliens talking about how a giant robot was comming to finalu defeat the lumberjacks once and for all… Bob, deeply distressed by this, decapitated them with the funkiest of bass lines and grabbed a nearby robot by the neck to take him back to base camp… Perhaps he knew of the giant robots weakness

beep buzz “I feel no pain”

Bobs conventional method of torture, Which involved a blow torch, scissors, 2 VHS copys of “5 minute abs” and a bottle of finely aged vodka wasn’t working…

After consulting with his fellow lumberjack, who was also named bob (and had a strong resemblance to the main character bob), a new method of torture was decided upon…

The robot was set in a solitary room, and made to watch deeply depressing movies, this didn’t work as expected, but was effective none the less…

The robot couldn’t cry, but fact he couldn’t cry distressed him more than any movie could! “I just want to be a real boy” he said in a tinny robotic monotone beep

Finally the robot gave in, and what he told the lumberjacks shocked them all….

Bob played a funky rhythm on his bass. but no, not just ANY funky rhythm…for it was the theme song of the Funky Lumberjacks Association Network!! within seconds, the island was flooded with giant bearded bass-wielding manly men! they gathered around with Bob in the center, as their new leader, and together paraded over to Obo.

As they approached their song grew louder and louder until Obo doubled over with pain, and then jumped into the ocean for refuge, where he was never heard from again.

But that wasnt the the only magic the FLAN was able to perform! with the deafening roar of their funk-attack the island slowly began to move across the water..and then faster and faster until it glided at top speed across the tops of the waves. seagulls and fish looked on with envy as the Funk Island sped past them.

Pretty soon the island reached land! “HALLELUJAH! Civilization” the islanders shouted in union, while the FLAN members and their leader Bob chest bumped while managing to keep their basses in perfect condition.

But just when it seemed everything would be ok, Bob noticed a flag waving from the top of one of the buildings of the new land…”aw POOP” Bob said. For this new found land was North Korea!

Not only that! then they heard the sound of metal…a huge army of robots marched towards them, with space ships flying close behind. it was the alien gang and the communist robots! what would they do now?!?!?

(via oatkake)

All the people from the boats unloaded onto the eerily purple tinted island… Bob decided to take the leadership position of the group… But the other passengers decided to veto that idea. you see the funk fairy was invisible to all but the chosen one, so they all thought he was talking to himself… The passengers elected Obo as the leader of there new tribe and he quickly gave everyone duties to preform.

Bob was stuck with cracking open coconuts for there milk, as he had confused the dim witted Obo when he refered to his bass as an axe (“I can serenade you all playing funky baselines on my new axe” “oh great, use that axe to break open coconuts” “ugg fine”

Anyway bob finalu found some coconuts, however they were verry red…. Bob assumed they must be unripe but cracked one open anyway by slapping a funky riff on his bass (a newfound power)

Upon taking a drink of the sour oarnge milk inside Bob began to change!

Within an minute he was 300 pounds, a huge man, in a plaid shirt, overalls and a giant beard that rivaled old bobs, he carried his bass on his back along with a giant axe

Bob had become the man he always wanted to become!

THE FUNKIEST LUMBERJACK IN THE WORLD

“I know what I’ll do now” bob said confidently…

Bob looked down at the bass in his hands. “Well,” he thought, “if I am the chosen one…maybe it will just come to me.” He played a few notes, trying his hardest, and as soon as he did the other stranded passengers covered their ears in pain. “Stop!” they pleaded. So he angrily threw the bass on the floor and stormed to a corner to mope.

With his head in his hands, Bob sat and looked at ground. Just then he felt a tap on his shoulder, and a voice say smoothly “hey man it’s alright, don’t get discouraged yo.” Bob turned around and saw a tiny man with a giant ‘fro and bell bottoms. “Wh-who are you?” Bob asked incredulously. “I’m the Funk Fairy, man,” was the response.

Bob’s eyes widened. “Really?! Can you teach me how to be funky? Pretty please!” The Funk Fairy inched away from him. He took out a ‘fro brush and primped his ‘do while he spoke. “Well first off man, you gotta play it cool. Not like you just did, that was square. Dont be a square. Be cool.” Bob sat back down, disappointed by these vague instructions.

“Secondly,” continued the Fairy, “you gotta know how to slap a bass. You gotta know how to slap it like a mother. That your bass over there on the ground?” He picked it up, even though it was taller than him, and slapped away. The air was filled with the sounds of true funkiness. When he was finished, he said, “Now you try.”

Bob’s second attempt at the bass was much more successful than the first. He somehow knew how to slap it! Like a mother! As soon as he started playin a funky bassline, the pink dolphins returned, and as they danced to the music they pushed the boat towards a deserted island. Success!

Bob pulled a grenade launcher from inside his jacket (not sure how he fit it in there, it was easily 3 times his size) he franticly lobbed grenades on the other ship shouting “USA USA” bob loaded everyone onto lifeboats and insisted on being alone with the other bob in the last boat… Once everyone was on board he set the sinking piranha ship on fire (it got hip by a bog cannonball) and then sent a swarm of mutant piranhas to attack the larger boat… There was certainly lots of Chatter going on in the lifeboats as the larger ship sunk to the deeps.. A victim of piranha violence… but the only talking on bob and bobs boat was old bob muttering military terms into a cigar box he had on his person

—-24 hours later—-

“DAMMIT what the poop! Where still stranded, what are we gonna do?!” young bob shouted suddenly, it was the first thing either bob had said to eachother since the sinking of the ships…

“arrgg do you know what that ship was sonny” old bob said with widened eyes

“pirates?”

“close… Those be a gang of Aliens and communist robots bent on destroying us…”

“who is us?”

“the 15th Funk Brigade!” old bob reached into his jacket and pulled out a neon oarnge bass guitar larger than the rocket launcher and slapped a funky rhythm

“uhhh…”

“yes the 15th went one night to jam with parliament in an attempt to end world hunger with our funk, but the communist robots intercepted our funky transmissions and interpreted it as an act of war, communist robots hate funk… They’ve been hunting us ever since… I’m one of 3 last surviving members of the 15th”

“uhh…”

“but I have become to old, I must go into hiding, to record my secrets and let the funk live, you shall do your part to” old bob said as he passed the bass on to young bobs lap.

“uhh… No I can barley play the radio bob” young bob said sadly

“GOD DAMMIT NO YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE!”

“no it must me wrong”

“think about it… Havnt you ever wondered why your name is bob? It’s no coincidence…”

“it’s a fairly common name” bob began to say but before he was finished old bob was riding away on the backs of two funky neon pink dolphins, his funky bears flowing in the wind….

Bob was alone on his boat, not sure how to get himself and the other people in other boats to safety and not sure how to play bass

Bob looked at Bob suspiciously. The self-proclaimed fisherman was currently telling a wide eyed couple about his black market piranha selling endeavors. bob turned to the nearest fellow passenger, a rather non descript woman. “Don’t you think this fellow’s a little bit odd?” he asked softly. She looked surprised. “Of course not. Where else can you buy quality piranhas?” raised his eyebrows as she joined the growing group of eager listeners to Bob’s story.

Suddenly, there was a loud explosion. In the distance Bob say another, much larger ship, firing cannons at Bob’s piranha ship. Everyone started screaming and shoving their way down the stairs to hide below deck, but Bob did something else, something far more daring and courageous, and a tad bid insane.

Midway though bobs flight the pilot told the passangers “hold on, were gonna have to make a water landing in the pacific” Bob was confused. He was flying from his hometown: Mayors Income, Tennessee to ontario canada, Why were they over the pacific? Bob tured to the flight attendant “excuse me bu..” WHAAAMMM BAMMM they hit water. The plane, hitting more harshly that is to be expected in a controlled crash landing broke in half. The passengers narrowly escaped and were treading water for 30 mintues before being picked up by an old fisherman. The fisherman was a skinny old figure who hunched, allmoast as if his giant beard pulled him forward. He only spoke in nonsensical metaphors and said his name was Bob and had been fishing for a month, allthough no fish were to be found on board….

Once upon a time, there was a man named Bob. He was an accountant, and very bored with his life. For 15 years he had been doing math all day, and it was time for a chance. So he ran away to Canada and became a lumberjack.

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